Thriving as a Father
Each father has unique challenges. How to get past surviving in one of the toughest jobs ever!
Comstock Image
Disclaimer: I am an Affiliate Marketer for EksAyn Anderson, who is featured in this article. This means I make a commission if you purchase through my link. I only endorse that which I’m passionate about. I’m excited to recommend this! If you see value, give it a try.
Fatherhood- The Ultimate Sacrifice and Joy
Being a Father is a job that never ends, and of course, I don’t ever want it to. Overall, I love being a Dad. I’ve had good days, and bad. There were times when I didn’t know how I would get through. I still remember in 2004 when my wife and I brought my firstborn son from the hospital. I was so cautious to make sure that our precious cargo was safe. Needless to say, I drove a bit slower that day.
Fast forward twenty years and five kids later. I have two boys on each end, with three girls in the middle. It’s easy for me to live my life on autopilot with my kids at times. Sometimes I can feel myself enthusiastically saying, I’ve got this, while at other times, especially with teenage drama, I can’t do this!!!
Our family. Spring Creek, Utah
The popular song that comes to my mind as I write this is “Jesus Take the Wheel!” by Carrie Underwood. I can’t go it alone. I need Jesus to metaphorically take that wheel sometimes, and he’s excellent at direction and keeping me on course. Sometimes, though I think when people hear this song they might think that it’s about giving up. I don’t look at it that way. I believe it’s more of surrendering to Him. Choosing to live my life the way He wants me to. Giving up what I want in my life, for what God wants for me to be, as a Husband, and Father.
“I’m Surviving”
Recently at a family reunion, I asked one of my cousins how things were going in his life. He responded with the common reply “I’m surviving”. I responded with a smile, “We need to get you from surviving to thriving”. While this is a catchphrase that many people use, it doesn’t necessarily seem to mean much of anything. I believe that words matter, and what we tell ourselves makes a difference either for our success or detriment. Since I’ve been living my life on God’s terms, I see that I’m going more toward thriving and not just living life, and surviving. I believe that God has great things for each of us, and He wants the very best.
Not Perfect, but Trying
I’ve come to the point in my children’s lives where I can no longer “wing it”. It is self-deception to say that I can. I’ve been blessed with children who for the most part make great choices, but some moments are trying to say the least.
I believe that I’ve been given children as a gift from the Lord, and I don’t need to be perfect. I just need to do my best. However, there are times when I start thinking I’m doing better than I am. This is when I need to look outside of myself for help.
Tools for Change
As a father, I want the very best for my children. How do I give them that? No child comes with a user manual, unfortunately. What works for one child, may not work for others. I’ve been left often to my default resources of parenting, which can be summed up as trial and error. My wife and I have tried what works, or what we’ve heard from others. It hadn’t occurred to me until recently that I was missing some tools in my approach.
Recently a man by the name of EksAyn (pronounced X-Ayne) Anderson took the stage at my local “1 Million Cups” club, What I didn’t know was he is a sought-after professional speaker. For the next few minutes, he gave a heartfelt message about the importance of stepping up and being a dad. He learned about the power of his father at a young age when his mother passed away. He has gone through many trials in his life. He talked about how pain can become a superpower if you find ways to deal with it correctly. He has discovered some tools to help men navigate the arduous journey of being a husband and father.
Review of “Dadfluence”
EksAyn has written two books and has recently compiled a course for dads to be better influencers to their children. I was greatly impressed with this. I was gifted a free course, as an affiliate. This is very well laid out. It’s mobile-friendly. He breaks the course out into 7 weeks to make it manageable. This is NOT a PDF course that you have to go through and read. Instead, his interactive approach and storytelling ability are very engaging and personable. This is uncommon as more people are using AI and faceless alternatives to create videos, or just providing content that can tend to bore an audience. This on the other hand was a breath of fresh air for me.
This is designed as a 7-week course. This gives you daily projects to work on to transform you and your relationships with your kids.
Here is a 10-minute sample of his course. This one is on building confidence.
Dadfluence: On Behavioral Issues
I was impressed by what EksAyn said in week # 2 of the “Pyramid of Influence. In reference to behavior reinforcement. He says “Water the behavior that you want to see grow”. I notice that many times as a parent, I sometimes pay attention to the behavior that I notice. Instead of focusing on what I want my children to do, I fall into the trap of spending too much time dwelling on what they need to discontinue doing. Instead of focusing on what I want them to do, I end up reinforcing the negative behavior. This is such a powerful concept, which he elaborates on more in this program.
Dadfluence: The Law of the Harvest
In week 4 EksAyn delves into several topics. One is the law of the harvest. This is one of my favorite concepts! Today’s youth, unless they’ve been educated about this don’t understand this very well.
Before I get into his view on the law of the harvest, I’ll give talk a little about what the law of the harvest is. Many years ago if people wanted to eat, they would need to grow food in their gardens. They would first have to plant a seed and water it daily. It would have to get adequate sunlight, and sometimes be protected from the elements. All of this, and many months sometimes to bring about a harvest.
Even people my age and older are losing this concept, as we are now a society of get it when you want, we spend less time planting metaphorical seeds that will eventually lead to a bountiful harvest. The law of the harvest is: you reap what you sow.
On this subject, EksAyn says “your tiny daily decisions, even the ones you think don’t matter, are everything!”. Each day, like the law of the harvest, we are sowing seeds, and reaping from what we have sown before. Even in the little things we can eventually see big results good or bad.
Dadfluence: Fix the Issues
Sometimes we don’t realize the importance of dealing with the problems we face, or think they’ll go away. In the short video below EksAyn speaks about a concept that Neal A Maxwell spoke about in his speech “Why not now?” he spoke about “straightening deck chairs on the Titanic”. How futile that would be when the ship is sinking to change something in such a superficial way. Although he is not a therapist, EksAyn has methods for recognizing problems, and strengthening relationships.
Children Need Dads to Step Up
One of the biggest issues children face today is a lack of support and parenting from dads. Sometimes we come by it honestly though. It’s easy to do what our parents did rather than try to do something new. I believe this is part of what we’re up against. So many people are not putting effort into a job that can truly change their children’s lives.
Pot Roast Principle
We are perpetuating the issues. I’d like to demonstrate with a small story. This is often called the “pot roast principle”
“One day after school a young girl noticed that her mom was cutting off the ends of a pot roast before putting it in the oven to cook for dinner. She had seen her mom do this many times before but had never asked her why. So this time she asked and her mom replied, "I don't know why I cut the ends off, but it’s what my mom always did. Why don't you ask your Grandma?" The mom may have said this because she didn't think she had the time to think about it. Which is always a mistake. We always have time to think. We just think we don’t.
So the young girl called her grandmother on the phone and said, "Grandma why do you cut the ends off the pot roast before cooking it?" Her grandmother replied, "I don't know. That's just the way my mom always cooked it. Why don't you ask her?"
Undeterred, the girl called her great grandmother, who was living in a nursing home and asked her the same question. "Why did you cut the ends off the pot roast before cooking it? (I’m sure she said hello great grandma, how are you, before asking her the question. Being smart is not the same as being rude. In fact, the smartest people are often the kindest and most compassionate.)
And her great grandmother did not reply, “I cut off the ends of the pot roast because that's what my mother did.” And she did not say because it makes the meat juicier. She said, "When I was first married we had a very small oven, and the pot roast didn't fit in the oven unless I cut the ends off."
Story taken from Psychology today
This story illustrates how we continue to do certain things because of tradition. We may not even know why we do them, and as in this story, there may not even be a good reason for doing it.
Are we sometimes parenting like this? Are we leaving this most important job up to chance?
Dadfluence: Step up your Dad Game
Being a dad isn’t always easy. It’s downright tough at times. This program is one that allows you to step up at your own pace. It’s been a huge gap filler for me, and a reminder of some of the principles that I already knew, but have put aside. It’s surprisingly affordable for the content. Below is a link for all information on this stellar program! If you can’t tell, I highly recommend it!
It’s never too early, nor too late to improve in your duty as a father. Your children need you, at whatever stage of the game you are in.
Raising the Bar
So many fathers are already doing a phenomenal job. I don’t think most dads get the recognition they deserve. It’s a tough job, and we’re raising the next generation. No pressure. It might not be convenient to set the standard higher, however, our children are worth the very best that we can give!
Surviving is important, and sometimes that’s where we are, but we don’t have to stay there as fathers. I believe we can thrive if we strive to do so. Making that little effort is worth every struggle.
- Joe Wooten